“It’s never too late to be what you might have been”

One year giving way to another is an obvious time to look back and reflect on what the past twelve months have brought us – both good and bad. As media and people around me are quick to point out, this year has seen a lot of bad, a lot of pain, suffering, and frightening escalation in international conflicts and various inequalities. Much of this is tied to the Large Orange Elephant in the Room. And it has been our great misfortune to realise the endless scale of this “room” he’s omnipresent in. One could say the whole world is his “playroom”. There are many reasons to speak about the disastrous, tragic, and appalling consequences of this mindless and despicable President’s actions. Democratic adviser Philippe Reines said:

“He’s an amoeba…”
_{– Philippe Reines on Pod Save America}

But an immensely dangerous one. For the first time in decades, the concept of a Third World War is sounding less and less hyperbolic.

And yet, precisely because the world feels so fragile, I want to begin the year on a different note. Thus, I have chosen this optimistic title quote, attributed to George Eliot, that I find fits my personal experience of the past year. Adelaide Anne Procter phrased it differently, and perhaps more poetically in her Legend of Provence:

“No star is ever lost we once have seen,
We always may be what we might have been.”
_{– Adelaide Anne Procter}

Both quotes speak to me because 2025 has been a year of reconnecting with who I essentially am, and of unexpected encounters and achievements for me – ones that I didn’t even dare to hope for anymore.

This thought, that I may now (again) be coming into my own, takes me back to my blog post of February 2019 I should have been a great many things, Mr Mayer (quoting Louisa May Alcott). At the time, I was reflecting on all the paths I could have chosen, but didn’t – all the selves I could have been, but wasn’t. I was deeply immersed in a feeling of missed opportunities and nostalgia for what might have been. What made me think of this is that I am now in the exact opposite situation. I feel that I am where I need to be. Or, in the words of someone I hold in high esteem:

“I feel more fully (and better) inhabited.”
_{– Personal Source}

This has happened like everything else in life does: as a chain reaction. One that I am trying to unravel. In creative writing, an often-used technique to decide what happens between the beginning and the end of a story is to start from the end and work your way backwards. This works because – in fiction and reality alike – each event that happens is the result of something prior, even unbeknownst to the characters, or to you. To trace back my present fortunes to their points of origin, I sat on a sunny terrace, overlooking the city I have grown to love, sipping a glass of wine while writing in my little notebook. It was somewhat like 19^th Century author Hannah Crafts‘s texts, where idiosyncratic dashes seemed to be “sewing” her story together.

I was assembling pieces of my recent history, like pieces of a quilt. This task revealed one clear message: Whatever happens to us, we must learn, move forward, and love. Always.

On this subject, author Marguerite Yourcenar, wrote:

“The best remedy for the mind’s turbulence is to learn. It is the one thing that never fails. You may grow old and tremble, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder in your veins, you may lose your one love and you may lose your money to a monster; you may watch the world around you laid waste by dangerous madmen, or know that your honour is being trampled in the sewers of the vilest minds — there is only one thing to do in such conditions: learn.”
_{– Marguerite Yourcenar “Sources II”}

Learning may not guarantee success, nor can it necessarily prevent future pain or failure, but it does ensure constant evolution, which is key to living a full life. And even when you think there is nothing to be learned, one lesson that is always valid is this famous idea from ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus:

“Change is the only constant in life.”
_{– Heraclitus (paraphrased)}

As long as you exist, think, and feel, you plant seeds. Every day. Some will grow, others won’t. But what I have seen is that, of all these seeds I planted over the last few years, some ended up growing in the most unexpected and wondrous ways.

Learning also means getting up again after each fall – regardless of the time it takes you. Because life will knock you down in countless ways. Still, just as people continue to breathe when they have little to live for, we must get up after each fall, if for no other reason than to satisfy our curiosity about what will come next.

Whilst trying to pinpoint one specific decision that led me to where I am today, I found that it had been the act of turning my back on jobs I was doing for acknowledgement, a fancy title, or a good paycheque. Bearing abusive behaviours by an erratic boss, or being surrounded by people I had little to do with, just made my reorientation easier. Since going back to writing creatively, sharing my work, attending workshops, meeting other creators, I have seen a gradual change in me. The light inside me seems to have come back. I have given a voice to parts of me that had been dormant for too long.

And thus, bit by bit, the bricks I once used to build walls – shielding me from the world – are now helping me build a new path ahead – reminiscent of the classic musical The Wizard of Oz.

“Follow the yellow brick road!”
_{– The Munchkins in Victor Fleming’s “The Wizard of Oz”}

Nonetheless, my road has been uneven, and it has not always been easy remaining positive. As I often tell my daughter, it’s easier – and sometimes justified – to be negative and defeatist, or blame others for one’s misfortunes. Trying to find the right path, applying for jobs in my forties, balancing getting back into shape with being a mom and a breadwinner, trying to be open to new relationships and connections, accepting the things I can’t change – including my many imperfections – none of it has been easy! Had I not fought to stay positive, I might have collapsed under the weight of my own unmet expectations.

And just like Dorothy, I couldn’t have gotten to where I am today if I had travelled this road alone. Learning from past mistakes, I steered clear of people who might see my guilelessness and enthusiasm as naivety or weakness. I most definitely chose my travelling companions wisely.

At long last, I started writing for myself, and not for an unknown audience or for some sort of recognition. I began communicating consciously, rather than just expressing myself. And I’ve been keeping my expectations in check. Not my hopes – just my expectations.

I have, in the process, found a true calling that I didn’t know I had, teaching curious and passionate young minds about the power of art and culture. I’m opening up to feelings I’d tucked away behind those invisible walls. For the first time in my life, words have poured out of me like ink, and they materialised as a play, just as Elizabeth Gilbert describes in Big Magic (see TED Talk, below).

“Creative living is a path for the brave. (…) If I want creativity in my life – and I do – I will have to make space for fear, too. (…) I am who I am today, precisely because of what I have made and what it has made me into.“
_{– Elizabeth Gilbert “Big Magic”}

Just like that, 110 pages worth of words traversed me, and came out of my fingertips. And when the opportunity arose to have it read by professional actors, I seized it – even though the play wasn’t ready. Because Why not?! What did I have to lose? Never before would I have dared to share an early draft with people who could tell it wasn’t fully baked. This exercise was very uncomfortable, but it propelled me forward by months. And this year, I took every chance I got to have my work published and read, even though I know authors who might have written those texts far better than I could.

Likewise, when I started teaching my course to students, I compared myself with my co-professor, whose experience far surpasses mine, and whose smooth style differs from mine in many ways. And then I stopped comparing us. Because all that I may learn from him can be learned without comparing us.

As simplistic as it may sound: I am me. And a big part of how I got here has been based on learning without comparing myself to others, choosing whom to trust, accepting who I am, and going towards risks that I have deemed worth taking. Today, I am at home within myself and in my life. Surely enough, further changes will come about – both good and bad. Because such is life. And that is why I am making sure I enjoy all the good things I sometimes doubted I would have (again).

My final note here is inspired by my youthful days, working on the stage musical Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall’. The main character, Pink, spends the entire story building emotional walls to protect himself – from trauma, loss, fame, and isolation. Then, at the end, he reaches a breaking point, his psychological defences fail, and he is finally exposed. The Wall is destroyed, and all who were trying to help Pink all along – whom he could only see through the filter of his giant wall of fear and mistrust – can be seen for who they are. And he can finally be who he is. The lesson being that only baring yourself guarantees the possibility of connection and growth. And that is one that speaks to me.

(The Judge:)
“Since my friend you have revealed your deepest fear
I sentence you to be exposed before your peers.
Tear down the wall, tear down the wall, tear down the wall!”

(The wall collapses. Pink is exposed.)
(Narrator:)

“All alone or in twos
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down outside the wall
Some hand-in-hand
And some gathered together in bands
The bleeding hearts and the artists make their stand
And when they’ve given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it’s not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger’s wall”
_{– Pink Floyd (Roger Waters), “The Wall”}

It may be harder to live without those big sheltering walls around you, but I have found it more rewarding and real. The world would certainly be much more peaceful if the people in charge of it dared to live with their fears. But since I can’t change them, I’m glad I’ve managed to change myself at least.

(Title quote attributed to George Eliot.)

“It’s not left or right. It’s right or wrong.”

Early on in life, I became aware that each and every one of us has the power to change things for the better. Not all things, but some things. And by my teens, I felt that this was our duty as members of a human society. My absolute hero then wasn’t some rock star but Daniel Cohn-Bendit, the leader of the French student uprising in May 1968, which turned into one of the most significant social uprisings in modern European history. Even after getting a degree in political science, rather than expecting politicians or “the system” to fix what is broken, I had the deep conviction that what mattered was taking responsibility and action at an individual level.

Like Senator Corey Booker, who recently held a record-breaking speech on the US Senate floor for over 25 hours to protest Trump’s regime, I believe that each of us has a duty to act when faced with what is morally wrong. And just liking or sharing posts in a virtual environment, where every piece of news has a life span of about an hour, is just not enough. Concrete actions are far less ephemeral and require an essential personal commitment and responsibility.

Meanwhile, in Southeast Europe

While Trump’s mob has been “flooding the zone” in the United States and across all media worldwide, throughout Serbia students have been marching in mass anti-corruption protests for the past six months. Like many Americans today, most Serbs felt helpless in the face of a populist president – in their case, Vučić – on the way to becoming a dictator. But they got organised and decided to stand up collectively and democratically against the rampant corruption in the country, which is powered by the government. Soon enough, they were joined by seniors, agricultural workers, and by all layers of society. Throughout it all, the marches have remained consistently peaceful, despite all efforts by President Vučić to crush them, and despite the widespread international indifference.

This could have been a great source of inspiration for Americans who are adamant about democracy. The Serbian students have chosen not to have one leader or spokesperson, but to take turns in a truly democratic manner, to avoid any one voice being heard above others.

Serbia anti-government protests, The Telegraph, 2025

Playing defense

Considering the Americans’ longstanding fervour for their individual rights and freedoms, the popular reaction we saw in the US until March was comparatively underwhelming in the face of the new dictatorial regime’s rampage. That was until Sen. Corey Booker spoke the words titled in this article, as part of his inspiring speech on the Senate floor one month ago. The very subject of fundamental moral values, of right vs. wrong, had been on my mind ever since Trump and his administration started wreaking havoc on the government and the people of the United States. Not to mention the rest of the world.

Like Booker, I believe that the main issue now is no longer one of politics or sides. It is one of core values and ethics. Whether in the United States, Palestine, Ukraine, Serbia, or anywhere else. The question is: are you in favour of Human Rights, justice, fairness, or are you guided by individual power, greed, hate? One requires courage, while the other implies giving in to your fears.

Sen. Corey Booker’s Senate floor speech, Brian Taylor Cohen’s commentary, 2025

In my recent article about the current nostalgia “for the good old days,” I mentioned this clash between the people ready for us to move forward as a society into the unknown, and those who are desperately trying to get back to the old system, based on deep-seated inequalities. And yet, in the face of the proverbial tornado the new US President’s mob set in motion, liberals were watching the news in daily disbelief, waiting for their elected officials to do something – anything. But apart from a few exceptions like Congressman Al Green, elected Democrats were mostly dumbfounded, seemingly unable to slow down Trump, Musk, and their sycophants.

The times they are a-changin’

Since Corey Booker’s speech though, there has finally been some reason for hope. We witnessed Democrats win in the Wisconsin elections and growing popular uprising throughout the United States. Protesters have been mobilising, first with the “Hands Off” protests, then under the banner of 50501 for “Fifty states, fifty protests, one movement”. As for elected officials, the “Fighting Oligarchy” rallies led by Bernie Sanders and AOC have been gathering huge crowds.

Sleeping Beauty is waking up at last, not after true love’s kiss, but rather after one too many punches in the face by the Orange Vilain. After the long dead silence, there is a growing fear in the opposition that soon enough, they will be held accountable for not standing up to Trump when it really mattered. The ripple effect is noticeable: Sen. Chris Van Hollen travelled to El Salvador, Governor JB Pritzker (see video below) is calling on all Democrats to be courageous, and Sen. Chris Murphy qualifies this situation as an emergency for the country, to name but these.

Gov. JB Pritzker’s speech, CBS News Chicago, 2025

The driving message has been used in every war to mobilise the general public: it is up to the people to rise and act! However active some prosecutors and judges have been in trying to stop Trump, waiting for courts or elected officials to make everything right again is not going to do the trick. Every person must take responsibility.

In the same vein, Pritzker said to New Hampshire Democrats:

“It’s time to fight everywhere and all at once. (…) Never before in my life have I called for mass protests, for mobilization, for disruption. But I am now. (…) These Republicans cannot know a moment of peace. They must understand that we will fight their cruelty with every megaphone and microphone that we have.”

– Taken from “The Guardian” of 28^th April

Today’s champions of democracy, namely the independent media, have tirelessly been repeating that now is the time to act. The admirable team of Pod Save America, the passionate Meiselas brothers of the Meidas Touch, the well-established Democracy Now!, and columnists like Ezra Klein, David Pakman, and Brian Tyler Cohen have been sounding the alarm over and over again. And yet, despite all the attacks on justice, freedom, and the foundations of American democracy, Trump still has a 41% approval rating. Although it is the lowest on record for any US president’s 100-day mark, it still seems far too high considering his abysmal level of competence and his disastrous presidential decrees.

“The Crisis Is Now”, The Ezra Klein Show, 2025

Somehow, many people who voted for him still believe that they will not be impacted negatively by his self-serving thoughtless policies. This reminds me of Pastor Martin Niemöller’s poem “First They Came”, written in 1946.

First They Came

First they came for the Communists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Communist
Then they came for the Socialists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Socialist
Then they came for the trade unionists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for the Jews
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Jew
Then they came for me
And there was no one left
To speak out for me.

– Pastor Martin Niemöller

Just as no German could convincingly argue that they didn’t know what to expect from Hitler, even though all his plans had been laid out in “Mein Kampf” (“My Struggle”), anyone who is surprised by Trump’s actions can only plead stupidity at this point.

Liberal media have compared him to a king, but today’s kings are not all-powerful like Trump aims to be. What he wants to see himself as is an emperor, not unlike the one in the folktale “The Emperor’s New Clothes“. And the Conservatives are the people of the tale who didn’t refute the naked emperor was wearing clothes for fear of reprisal.

In 2015, The Daily Show host Trevor Noah also compared Trump to several African dictatorial presidents. The resemblance in behaviours is striking – and much funnier in the sketch than in reality.

“Donald Trump, America’s first African President”, The Daily Show with Trevor Noah, 2015

The time is right

The bubble we have been living in has been due to burst for some time. The consistent and gradual shift to the right of our Western societies is a clear reaction to the way corporations have been gaining power, to the growing pay gap between the top- and bottom-level company employees, and to shareholders getting rewarded at the detriment of workers and social services. Young people no longer believe they will ever be able to retire, or own a home. Profit trumps the environment, shareholders trump workers, Big Tech companies trump trustworthy news sources, social media trump education, and the list goes on. This steady polarisation of our societies has been happening for over forty years, to the joy of billionaires and conservatives.

Trump is only the consequence of a multi-decades-long trampling of individual rights and opportunities for regular people, for the majority. But perhaps what we needed was a chaosmonger like him to push others to react. Former Prime Minister of Canada Jean Chrétien, who is remembered for having refused to send Canadian troops in George W. Bush’s invasion of Iraq, recently joked:

“(As) proud Canadians (…) we owe a debt of recognition to Mr Trump: he has united us as never before. So I want to say “Thank you” to him.”

– Taken from Jean Chrétien’s speech to the Liberal Party faithful, 2025

Europe, Canada, and Mexico are finally turning to each other and uniting against this common foe. They are also turning to China and India. Likewise, Americans may now be on their way to finding a new leader who will be willing to speak up not just against the current President, but also against this whole system.

Mark Carney’s victory speech, as he wins the national election in Canada, DW News, 2025

Martin Luther King Jr. said:

“The time is always right to do what is right.”

– Taken from an MLK speech in Chicago in 1966

That time is now. There is indeed such a thing as right and wrong, which goes beyond opinions and preferences. And what we have been accepting for decades is absolutely wrong. In the absence of a strong Left to fight for the people, many have unfortunately turned to Far-Right leaders who offer simple solutions to complex problems. They find a person or a group to blame for all the injustice and unfairness, just as the Nazis did. Thus, the disillusioned population chooses this over Democrats, who speak of democracy and justice but have been playing defence rather than offense since the eighties.

Good Trouble

It is time for the people to take power into their own hands. If Serbs can do it, all Europeans and Americans can, too. We who remember a time when our societies favoured the greatest number instead of the greatest wealths, should do something. In his introduction, Corey Booker said:

“This is the time to get in some good trouble, to get into necessary trouble. I can’t allow this body to continue without doing something different – speaking out. The threats to the American people and American democracy are grave and urgent. And we all must do more. (…)

“If it is to be, it is up to me.” All of us have to think of those 10 words (…) Because I believe generations from now will look back at this moment and have a single question: “Where were you when our country was in crisis and when American people were asking for help?”

– Taken from Corey Booker’s speech, quoted in The Guardian

Running countries like cults

I am feeling equally scared and hopeful now. As tensions are rising while more lunatic men such as Trump, Orban, Putin, Erdogan, Xi, Kim, run their countries like cults, I am finally seeing young people get involved in politics again. As the famous phrase goes: “If you don’t do politics, politics will do you”, a paraphrasing of the 19th C. French quote:

“You may not care about politics, but politics still cares about you.”

– Charles de Montalembert as quoted by Madame de Staël

Echoes of Idealism

Each of us must play our part. Mine is making a documentary entitled “Echoes of Idealism, Maury and Sally’s ripple of positive action”. I will write more about this project and the two admirable individuals it revolves around in my next post. In short, it is about people who refused to retreat into submission. It is about idealism.

Definition of Idealism:
The belief that your ideals can be achieved, often when this does not seem likely to others.

– Cambridge dictionary

I believe that is what is what we need now.

At David Hockney‘s current exhibition in Paris, I was greeted by his recent quote at the entrance:

“Do remember they can’t cancel the spring.”

– David Hockney

Spring is here! And that is always a good reason to hope and rise up. What we are seeing take shape amid all the hateful and destructive discourse, is a new force for positive change. Perhaps the times, again, they are a-changin’…

“The times they are a-changin” by Bob Dylan

(Title quote taken from Senator Corey Booker’s Marathon Senate Speech on 31 March-1 April 2025)

“42 Up”

Some ten years ago, I watched a documentary film that had a deep impact on how I perceive life. It was entitled “42 Up”. It followed a number of Brits from different regions and social backgrounds every seven years, from the ages of seven to forty-two. I saw them go from being sparkly-eyed kids to awkward teenagers to responsible adults to middle-aged men and women. Some more ordinary than others, some happier, some more successful, some more fulfilled than others.

Seeing the result of this film, spanning over thirty-five years, left me feeling both amazed and sad. What I found in all of them was the inevitable loss of innocence that comes with age and experience. That also went with a loss of ideals in many. And loss of beauty as well. Today, at forty-two, I should watch it again and see how I feel about it. Or better still, I should watch the latest film in Michael Apted’s series that began with “Seven Up!” (1964), which is now “63 Up”. Somewhere along the line, the title lost its exclamation mark… which, incidentally, seems a perfect way to sum up the difference between the ages of seven and sixty-three.

In this COVID-19 crisis, I am fortunate to have a new job that I’m excited about, to have my wide-eyed child by my side, to live in a home and a neighbourhood I love, to be in regular touch with my loving family. But these times of relative isolation have also brought on a new wave of reflection which, combined with the Netflix content I’ve been watching (such as “Marriage Story” or “The Last Dance”) reminds me that life doesn’t turn out the way one expects. Ever. There are unexpected successes, joys, falls and pains. And while love and hope inspire and drive us, suffering and pain play a significant role in shaping us as well. I saw this in “42 Up”, too. There is so much we do – or avoid doing – for fear of being hurt.

Though I don’t believe that we are born as clean slates, I do see us as clay shapes that life hits, carves, moulds over time. Bit by bit, we evolve into complex beings, growing increasingly unique and different from each other, as life adds one texture after another to our initially smooth clay. At middle age, I perceive love and hope in my peers. But none has kept that initial innocence we all used to have. That faith that there will be a “happily ever after”. Because our lives have taught us otherwise. There is no “ever after” as such. There is only happy, then unhappy, then happy again, and so on and so forth. But over time, erosion makes us less affected or moved by unhappiness and happiness alike. Our skin gets thicker, we roll with the punches and we enjoy well-deserved rests after each round.

In this time of contemplation for the whole world, I do appreciate what I have. I also look forward to many more moments of happiness. Even though I know better than to expect what I imagine for myself to come true (in the positive or the negative sense), I do know that joy comes back to me after every struggle. But where am I right now? If I were to do my own “42 Up” recap of my life, it would probably go like this: At age seven, my world was enchanted, almost perfect. At fourteen, it was painful and filled with self-loathing. At twenty-one, it was hopeful and looking to the future. At twenty-eight, it was harsh but glorious. At thirty-five, it was awakened to what adult life is. At forty-two, it is unsettled and I am searching for steady ground.

For three years, I have been feeling like the earth under my feet has been shaking. And, like in a seismic zone, every time it stops, another earthquake rocks the ground I walk upon. And it isn’t easy to build on moving ground. But I have been fortunate enough to join a company built on the concept of constant transformation, flexibility and adaptability. And my travelling companion is a little girl who loves the circus so much, she now excels at finding her balance in any situation like a tightrope walker. What I must now learn from both is not to expect the ground to ever stand still, but rather to function and grow on moving ground. Perhaps by the next seven-year mark, my spirit will be as agile as my daughter’s nimble body.

(Title: Documentary Film directed by Michael Apted)

“We must die to one life before we can enter into another”

The whole quote by Anatole France is: “All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy, for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another”. It is a perfect description of how I feel right now. With every change in our lives, we have to relearn to live and be ourselves.

Leaving home to go to university, moving to another country, moving in with someone, getting separated, having a child, starting a business… These are all changes that force us to question our habits and rethink how we structure our lives, our space, ourselves.

It sounds easy enough to do, especially for someone who is as used to change as I am. I have not only been used to it, but have sought it and caused it since I was fifteen years old. And yet, I find that over the last few years, my ability to adapt to change is not what it used to be. When I was younger, change was often scary, but also exciting.

Changing schools at age fifteen, going off to university and sharing an apartment with complete strangers in a foreign land at seventeen, those first big deliberate changes in my life may have been a bit hard because I was still figuring out who I was. At the time, I found that all our routines and customs are a part of how we perceive ourselves in relation to others, whether in comparison or in opposition. At first, we think these habits are our own, as they helped shape who we are. So giving some of them up to better coexist with others is not easy, especially when you are young, stubborn and rebellious as I was. But as time goes by, you realise that some of these habits are not an integral part of who you are. You are just mimicking what you observed while growing up. You learned them from your family, your social circle, your fellow countrymen, and never bothered to question them. With age, as you begin to piece together the puzzle of your very own identity, you find that there is more room for change in your habits than you thought.

The years pass and you start being comfortable with your strong adaptable – yet authentic – self. And then, unexpectedly, this trend is reversed. At least for me. The habits, schedules, structure I’ve come to live by, through experimentation and change, have been my own. But gradually, I find that when one of the foundations of the life I’ve built for myself shifts, or worse, disappears, all that beautiful adaptability I pride myself on has begun to crumble. Reinventing myself was easy enough when I was young. Past the age of thirty, it started getting trickier. And now, past the big 4-0, every substantial change feels like an earthquake. Why is that? Do we stiffen with age, like our bodies do? Do we become rigid, judgmental, uncompromising? I doubt it, even though I sometimes catch myself being far less tolerant than I was fifteen years ago. Rather, I’m coming to realise that the tipping point comes when you feel that your life should be built by now. It has to do with expectations: your own and society’s. As long as you perceive yourself as having to build your career, your family, your life, it is fine to test, change, take risks. Because you know you are moving towards a goal, namely the fulfilment of your life’s purpose. But once you have your family and you’ve found a home you love, once you’ve built a career for yourself, every structural change in your life starts to feel like destroying what you’ve built rather than building something new.

When you’ve been on the roller-coaster of life’s trials and errors enough times, the expected smooth and straight train ride of mid-life is very appealing. Some manage to stay on that track for a very long time. I haven’t. Perhaps it’s my restless, strong-willed, intense nature that makes it impossible to compromise what I believe to be essential. Whatever the reason may be, the structure I’ve built for myself is once again shaken. And I find this very unsettling. It’s scary, but not the exciting kind of scary I used to know. It’s an unpleasant sort of scary this time around. My life experience has taught me that I will undoubtedly adapt to these changes once again, but this time around I am questioning the vast campaigns aiming to convince us that we should ‘seek change’ and ‘be our authentic selves’. Regardless of the price you have to pay for that. Perhaps there is, after all, some merit in wanting to enjoy security – with all its compromises – rather than this glorified ‘authenticity’ past mid-life. Perhaps.

Be that as it may, considering the life I’ve led and the way my experiences have shaped me, that is not my path. I have always caused or welcomed change when something wasn’t working in my life. As that is still the case, after the recent changes I’ve brought on in my life, I will have to rethink myself again… after I’m done mourning my former self.

(Title: quote by Anatole France taken from “The Crime of Sylvestre Bonnard”)